A little sad, disappointed but I feel that things would be better this way.
Basically, Hong wei and I broke up on last thursday, it's my decision.
Had been thinking a lot, taking from many points of view from my friends, thought it through for many times, don't want to do somethings that I will regret badly. In this process, I've been neglecting my studies for three weeks but everything is almost back in order.
Some major thought that went through my mind...
I was feeling very tired of putting in the effort and in the end all I got is just words of "I Love you" from him. Felt that he's taking things for granted and doesn't knows how to show appreciations, or maybe he know's just because of his pride he keeps it away. Told him many times about how I felt but seems like things don't goes into his mind and make him think, make him stand in my shoe. Cuz the very next day, things goes on like usual. I tried standing in his position and wonder what's hindering him so much to really give in to me sometimes. Loving one does not only talks just about love, care and concern, trust and truth, many other factors affects loving one and being loved. It takes two hands to clap, and I totally feel that I'm always searching his hand to meet mine.
Had a chat with him for a few times, I know he can't take it, can't move on but I really hate it that he has to wait till he lose it then he start trying to put in the effort and save this relationship. Doing things that I always wanted him to do, started thinking and all. And the day before, he then told me that my friends ain't that bad afterall, since the day he talked to him on what can he do? Does that mean he always have doubt of me going out with my friends? Always wanted him to know my groups of friends but he is always busy with his group of friends that some how I'm always hanging with them till I lost my friends. Just recently, he told me why he didn't like to go out with me and my friends cuz he felt left out when I'm with my friends. So I was thinking does he knows how I felt being with his friends for the first few times. I was always trying to get his attention so not to feel bored and make him guilty, also spicing up things around us. So after hanging with then more, for sure I'll open up to them. Thus tell me how to juggle boyfriend and MY friends when it's the first few time they meet or rather the first time they meet? Now trying to get my friends back, Hard time manz.
Recalling some of the hurting messages that he once sent to me, I tried to brush it aside but it still lingers in my head most of the time. Those moment that he sent me those, I was wondering till the day we ended, did he thought through what he meant in those messages? Did he think on how I would view the message? How would he feel if I were to send him those messages? How would it affect the way I feel for the relationship? All the time, he only try to save it after a week or two when he realised how crude those messages were. Wished that he would be able to give in just that little, sometimes.
Well, apart form those emo-ing, I am really happy about things that we have been through in the first year of the relationship.
We are friends, but how well did I draw the line and how well he view and abide to the line is another factor. Hope he does not screw up the second chance of walking the road of life with me as friends.
Yeap that's that. I'm pretty fine working hard for my run and studies!! Year three already, still thinking if I should go to Wheelock collage which have a month attacthment over at Boston (very tempting) rigth below my current study block.
Loves lulu~
I will be there when you need me.
Let me walk with you.
Obliging, I assure.
Vent your anger I'll be patient.
Entwine with love and never part.
Yearn to stay by your side every moment.
Odyssey we shall path through.
Uniquely I've said my words.
Let me walk with you.
Obliging, I assure.
Vent your anger I'll be patient.
Entwine with love and never part.
Yearn to stay by your side every moment.
Odyssey we shall path through.
Uniquely I've said my words.
Dearie,
ReplyDeleteI am simply lost for words but then as long as you are happy, we will always be behind you! Did sensed something amiss a couple of time I read your personal blog but thought I was being too sensitive and smack my head for it but but but seem like you have been in a battle alone for so long. Why didn't you pour out to anyone of us?
Anyway, that is beside the point. Really wish that u had calm yourself down before thinking things through and made the decision you had made. And not one made out of impulse.
You know best what is going on in your relationship and best to judge but only if u r level-headed.
If moving on makes you happier then go for it. But really wish that you had deep thought and this is really want you wish and wanted.
At any one time should you wish to talk, you know we are all around you caring for you and loving you ya. You are not alone. And we are one big family, no need to feel shy etc.
Hugs dearie!
Hey Hey!
ReplyDeleteNot that I didn't want to pour out to anyone but somethings, I feel that I just have to sort it out myself first and I need to know my stand and also to understand the whole issue before I pour out to anyone. And like sadly, I'm stranded with projects, school and CCA at the point of time when I need someone. So I turned to my classsmates, trackers and all.
Yea, I took more than a year to think to pen down and to save this whole things by trying to tell him, talk to him as and when. Hopefully he would get it and put in that little bit more effort. Have been holding it till I couldn't anymore. A battle between my feelings and thinking, but this is a decision, that really made me think hard, drain me totally sometimes. Walk like zombie when I head to class for the first three weeks of school. The feeling of still liking someone but didn't want to press on sucks. Thus doubt this I made out of impulse. Both of us maybe feeling depress, just part and pieces of a relationship, I guess.
Well, I do know what's going on in my relationship but sometimes, a view from an outsider maybe be different. Thus, I asked and talk to a few friends. And they all could only feel that I'm tired giving in and all. So wonder if I'm really right. With the different views, I thought about it again before I made the decision.
So far, everything is okay just that he is still trying to get it back, guess he really couldn't take it. Looks like only time can help and his peers now.
Yeap, I know you all are just one call away! Loves all!
Loves Lulu~
I support you. Though I'm not in Singapore, I know something is wrong too... your msn nick blah blah blah... Da jie definetaly think you are giving too much too... and like he didnt appreciate stuffs...
ReplyDeletebut i'm really proud of u in the way you manage and deal with it... 'can take can put' very brave...
AND, i somehow know you won't regret this decision because its a hard decision to make and i believe you wont take this step unless you know you have to... so, just move on...
PS: i hope you can talk to mom abt it though... she will be understanding and supportive...
oh, and good writing skills...
ReplyDeleteYou are really strong dear. May you find the happiness you really deserve. Love is really such a hard to understand thingy and there is no definite right or wrong to it! As long as you followed your heart and at the end of the day, you felt lighter with the decision disclosed, then that be it.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I had been too occupied with my life and did not even ask about how's things in your life! Always take it for granted that all are fine and well on your side. But im glad that you have friends who really care about you and had been there for you especially during these period. As for those whom you had so called neglected, im sure they will understand especially if they are your REAL friends. You know what I mean!
haha me and Dorin actually typing at the same time but bet I am too loso as usual thus came later and got a shock when it refresh on my side...tot me replying to lulu how come got some other texts I yet to read :p
ReplyDeleteAnyway yeah WO MEN DOU ZHI CHI NI!! *hugs*
Thanks sister! and Fang jie!
ReplyDeleteYou all may be busy with your own life but I believe there is a place in your mind and heart that you are constantly thinking about this big lovly family. So no worries, I understand when things gets busy on your side. Cuz if there is a need, you all sure will spare some time to listen and advice. Cheers!
I don't know how to talk to mummy about this. Haha But she confirm know about it cuz, I have friends (Guys) coming and stay over la. (My bed can spilt into two, trust them, I'm safe!) Chatting up with me making sure I'm fine and don't go into depression!?!? LOL, and make sure I sleep well. And some more I have been out late with friends and drink a little, so bet she knows. (Maybe she also mention to you, sister.)
I'm feeling much lighter in a way but I am still trying to help him through, though I know I should not. But sometimes, he just keep calling me and texted me. Not as a friend but a girlfriend. Repeating things again and again, telling me indirectly how he regreted and all. Also telling me that she tried standing in my shoes and knows how sucky it is. Haiya, in my head is, like if only you knew it before, why till now when it's like too late? LOL. And it's really true that there are no definite answer about feelings.
I also feel that I very strong! LOL I wonder how I pull it through till now. Haha, well I know things are over, "Can take it up, must be able to put it down" Is not that the sky's falling or the end of world. It's just another experience of life. No point being too bothered over spilt milk anyway, or maybe just for a little while. And yeap Thank you for all the support.
I am really grateful to my friends though I some what neglected then for some time. They are willing to spare some time and chat up, cheer me up, and making the extra efort of make sure I don't go too "emo" at home. True friends really stays, like how we promised. HAHA
Bear hug!!!
Loves LULU~
Lulu,
ReplyDeletesorry for the slow reply. just saw it when da jie told me.
don't wanna repeat everything again. i'm sure our lulu is not only strong on the outside. and i really support your decision no matter what. (:
and please give me a ring if you need someone. i'm living the nearest to you. keke. i can just pop over to your house.
loves and hugs. (:
Cutie,
ReplyDeleteIt hurts now, i know, time will heal the wound someday. I support what you had mentioned, better to end suffering than hanging there hopelessly.
I always believe one saying, bcos it happened to me and all my loved ones who fell out of love sometimes along the road, "God lets you meet the wrong guys first because He wants to prepare you for the right one to come along." Cliche it may sound, but it is DEFINITELY true, trust me.
Be it a temporary separation or permanent, it is good to let him miss you a bit. Should he ever decide to make a comeback, he'd better be a better man.
P/S: Hongwei asked me last week what your address is, he said he wanted to send you something. I told him i will check it out. Now, I dunno if i should give him. What do u think?
As for the wheelock college cum attachment, i would strongly encourage you to take it up since you like it. It would be a plus on your resume. And, wouldn't it be a great opportunity to "test-water" if you liked studying overseas?
ReplyDeleteMy fren is teaching in Boston. If you need any help, i can ask him.
Love,
Dajie
Hmm, i heard he's "teleporting" between Boston and South Korea. Anyway, his wife is also my fren, both of them are my nus classmates. She taught special education in boston last time. And she is very friendly. So bet she'll be a great help if you need any info. Just let me know if u need any help.
ReplyDeleteAh lu! you will do just fine :) I ain't worried about you one single bit. Nothing worse than walkin around like a zombie everyday, glad thats over huh?
ReplyDeleteAw well....moving on to the next guy in line then (just kidding :p)
yeah it sucks to be a walking zombie...I been there done that I simply hated it to the core. Sometimes still wonder why I allow myself to go through that then but bet love is really blind. But thank god, got these wonderful set of family members whom go through that tough period of time with me and now we will do the same with you. Please call jia if u need someone k...yes she lives the nearest to u for now le...:p If not, u can jus call anyone of us too to talk etc ya! :)
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I must add that what da jie said is very true...god will wish to test us and let us "suffer" before enjoying the good thing in life. It took me so long in fact years to give up what I had then too, but then I got myself such a wonderful hubby in return too whom will spend the rest of my life with. So dearie, when one door close, another will be opened for you. Just don't ignore the other open door but step in only when you are really ready :)
As for the address, please don't give da jie. If Hongwei is reading this, I would like to say out loud: How many times have you been to her place. How could you not even know what is the address. Yes you may take it for granted and tot knowing the place will do, fine accept that. But, if you are really sincere, get your freaking mind and butt moving, go check it out yourself and not take things for granted yet again. If you want to show your sincerity, show it the real way and not another empty promise. It may already be far too late but at least you tried and prove how much Lulu mean to you!!!!
Boston? You mean the USA Boston? Yeah come join us in the states :p Me have fren studying music there now and cousin at NYC which is rather near to Boston. Can tell me more about the course? Thanks.
Hugs and kisses :)
fang jie, i totally agree with you. how can he not know the address. hmmm.
ReplyDeletelu, go for your studies since it is something you like! i'm sure you wont regret it. keke. loves. (:
the way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -G.K. Chesterton
Thank you Jia Jia!
ReplyDeleteNo worries. I bet I'll be really fine. If I really need one, I will just ring you up or just text you. We stayed near by also our school are just side by side. HEHE. The Quote is really great! Thank you!
Hello Da Jie!
Welcome I totally agreed with what you say. But about that he to be a better person. I rather he treats the next one going into his life better and how he should treat her. It's not that I don't love him anymore but somehow, I felt that he had make me give in to my limits that I cannot take it anymore, thus I would rather give up now than to hold onto a hope that I feel that a future cannot be secured even a little bit.
Hello kor kor!
Thank you for the confidence you have in me. I would move on, I would stay strong. I have things to sort and to think it through before I ever really get to another relationship again. At least if the next one is a mistake, it would a beautiful mistake.
Hello Fang jie!
Know, I don't quite believe that my love for him is blind, cuz I know it very well myself. What are the things could be done better and I somehow I have a habit of reflecting of things and words I said to him, or he said to me, at least once a week. Which helps me a lot in trying to hold on to this relationship till then.
Well, he did ask about my address before too which he didn't even know which unit number I stayed. So maybe he just wants to know the postal code which though I went to his place for thousands of times, I still can't remember. But what I said are just maybe. LOL.
To All,
Yes, about the Wheelock College, I wish to get in and all but there are many buts in my head that I don't know how to say. I just need some more time to think about it I guess.Will let you all know more about what I think of when I thought about it again, deeply. =) Thank you all for the support of me to get into the college and all the information and contacts that you all have to help me pull through my years of study in Wheelock if I ever gets in.
If really I want and can get into the college, it would be totally great to have Fang jie and kor kor to be with me during my one month attachment over at Boston. I have yet to read or ask about the course thus I couldn;t let you all know what I intent also. Thus I will update all a little later I think.
Loves all for all the great care and concern!
Loves LULU~
Hey Hey dearest cousins and all!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your time and brain juice to cheer me up and make sure that I am fine. It's really heart-warming.
Bear hug!
Loves Lulu~
lulululu... no need thanks la.. that's what our familylovelove is for.. to splash & splurge lotsa love on all our loved ones.
ReplyDeletecheers!! hope we can toast a champagne soon :)
dajie
We can toast one when me and marc is back, the surprise party for aunt and also one when Dorin is back...how's that??? :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, this is what a family is for but still, saying Thank you from inside me is a must. I doesn't take much effort to say but it takes much effort to feel. So already put in so much effort to feel might as well, put in just a little more to say.Haha.
ReplyDeleteYeap, Lets toast soon! Can't wait for everyone to come back and had great big gatherings again!
Loves Lulu~
Bear hugs!
my hair stands! haha. make me wanna cry. lol. i guess this blog is really great, brings us so much close together. hug hug! haha. so please make full use of it. to throw whatever rubbish feelings or share happiness. (:
ReplyDeleteyesyes. we must toast when everybody gathers!!!!!